Canaan turns 4

Today is my son’s birthday.  I don’t get to see him or give him a birthday hug, for another three days, I’m hoping to get a phone call with him late, but he’s sick and its up to his mother and how he’s feeling if I get to.

He is my first and only son.  He’s my pride and who makes me strive to be a better man, a better father, because as little as we get to spend time with each other, he deserves the best he can get for every window of opportunity we have.  I cannot imagine many things being much greater of a challenge then what I have gone through these first 4 years of his life, but no matter how upset I get, or jealous of other fathers with their sons, when I sit back and hear “Daddy, I love you” or sit and watch him draw a picture of us together, all the emotion gets ripped away, leaving the love and pride I have in my son.

Unless you have to share custody of a child, you really don’t know the daily personal trials you deal with, including of all things, guilt.  However, the highlight of every other week is the day I know I’ll be going down and getting him.  It always seems like the work day goes faster.  It hurts to see how quickly he grows where I see him in spurts rather then on a daily basis.  In what feels like a flash of light he can go from barely talking, to singing his ABCs, to asking me to read every single road sign between the drop off and home.  Its a strange sensation, having such joy and personal hurt out of the same thing, but that the reality of it.  I won’t be there to play tooth fairy when he loses a tooth.  I’m not able to take a day off work and stay home with him when he’s sick.    I’ve not been  able to be who I wanted to be for him.  Am I better?  I try to be, but its hard to truly tell, when most of our one-on-one time is spent traveling on the road because once he’s home, everyone wants to see him.  I hate having to share when I have such a small amount of time, but I hate him not being around his family worse, so I do my best to swallow my selfishness for him.

I realize I won’t get to do some of the things with him like other fathers will, my time is limited right now, but it was my decision to be his father, to stand up and take responsibility, and no matter how hard the road is to travel sometimes, I’d never go back and change the path I chose, because he is my son, and I love him with all my heart.  Happy Birthday son.